Accommodating others

23-Sep-2015 16:42

Avoid a quick 'yes' you don't mean If you feel a potential marshmallow moment coming on, stop, take a breath, and ask yourself these questions, from Susan Newman, Ph D, a social psychologist and author of 1. Reassuring the other person about the opportunity you're turning down is one way to soften a rejection, Rego says. As tempting as it is to get into the many reasons why you can't attend your co-worker's birthday drinks, offering a simple, "Sorry, I can't make it! Overexplaining opens up the possibility of working around your unavailability, Newman says.4. If you know you might waver when you see disappointment or surprise on the other person's face, it can be very empowering to lead with the no, says Tillman.It stands to reason: "Saying yes all the time can really zap your mood; it can also make you feel resentful and over-committed," says Simon Rego, Psy D, director of psychology training at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City.Women may have a harder time saying no, psychologists and sociologists theorize, because of the way we're raised to value connections.Given this, it's not always easy to know when a firm The most obvious sign you're too accommodating: Saying yes makes you feel bad.In fact, a 2010 review of research suggests that women who showed high people-pleasing tendencies (psychologists call it sociotropy) were more likely to feel stress and depression. At work, our responsibilities are ever-expanding (thanks, never-ending recession), and at home, we feel pressed to help stretched-thin friends and family."In this age of constant electronic connectedness, requests are coming at us every waking hour, making it even more important to be able to put your foot down," says Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph D, a clinical psychologist in Weston, Connecticut.

Read your body It's natural to want to be generous and "give up your own needs to meet someone else's," says Linda Tillman, Ph D, a psychologist at Emory University in Atlanta.To know if you've crossed that fine line from kind to compulsive people-pleaser, pay attention to how you feel -- in the moment and later."Even if you are a very successful person, you're not going to feel great unless your relationships are harmonious," Cohen-Sandler says."And in our culture, women get the message that saying no is tantamount to being difficult, so we're often not able to say no unless we're at the end of our rope." pay off, notes Rego: "Putting your foot down more often lowers stress and improves your confidence and well-being." Follow these simple guidelines to knowing when, and how, to make the most of this sanity-saving two-letter word."If you say yes and then find yourself feeling resentful or irritated at yourself or the other person, then you know that you were doing it not out of generosity but because you felt you to," Tillman says.

Read your body It's natural to want to be generous and "give up your own needs to meet someone else's," says Linda Tillman, Ph D, a psychologist at Emory University in Atlanta.To know if you've crossed that fine line from kind to compulsive people-pleaser, pay attention to how you feel -- in the moment and later."Even if you are a very successful person, you're not going to feel great unless your relationships are harmonious," Cohen-Sandler says."And in our culture, women get the message that saying no is tantamount to being difficult, so we're often not able to say no unless we're at the end of our rope." pay off, notes Rego: "Putting your foot down more often lowers stress and improves your confidence and well-being." Follow these simple guidelines to knowing when, and how, to make the most of this sanity-saving two-letter word."If you say yes and then find yourself feeling resentful or irritated at yourself or the other person, then you know that you were doing it not out of generosity but because you felt you to," Tillman says.Other red flags that you're being overly accommodating: Right after saying yes, you feel your stomach drop or your heart race, or you get anxious and wonder how you'll ever get it done.